I am Alone with my Lonliness.....

Yesterday everything was just going on too well for me. Yet I could feel that something was amiss.......something which I could not figure out myself either. I wondered that since everything has been going on so well then why is that empty feeling surfacing again and again. I have noticed that even if all is going on so perfect around me and I even have my share of fun and frolic, still by the end of the day I feel gloomy. Why? What is it that I am missing so much. I have friends, work, family members, movies to watch, music to listen to... Anyways, not going off the track.......as I talked to this friend about his loneliness and encouraging him, I was myself feeling so discouraged deep within that I just could not control my tears afterwards..... I had to cry it out lest accumulating it inside. I have cocooned myself and radiate an aura of coldness so that no one sees what is going on within me. I am scared of anyone venturing inside and see the real me. Even my lonliness surprises me at times as if it is the only friend that I am left with.

But atleast it is there with me to comfort me as I slowly drift away in the stillness of the night and wait for the dreams to ride me high...............

Musings....

While I was a kid, my father used to make me learn how important it is to give respect to your elders and be polite with everyone you talk. All those habits that were inculcated in me in my childhood has carried through and so it would have in all of you. We learn so much from our parents and most of the time we are not even aware we have learned that from them. We tend to remember these words when everything is going fine, when everything is under control. But once things lose our control, all these values lose its importance. We fight like cats and dogs and abusing each other becomes a routine then. We don’t even realize what comes out of our mouth in anger and words spoken in anger can make us regret all our life.The greatest educational challenge for human race is how to unlearn the law of school which we acquired. It is back to basics time!!!

YAWN! life sucks, people suck, relationships suck,education sucks,world sucks,but i don't, world aint worth me, thats all !!

Is Suffering optional???

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. At least this is what they say. But how do I seperate the two is something I have wondered when I have been in pain. Is it being masochistic and simply wishing away the pain and suffering?
It is so easy to say things, to expect people to behave in a certain way. But when it comes to yourself, the implementation can be hard (to say the least!).
Is it OK to be weak sometimes? To get down on my kness and cry like a baby and ask "God, why?".. Is it OK if I cannot smile back at you and cannot be the "pillar of strength" you always see me as? Is it OK even if "men don't shed tears"? Is it human? Do I say that to justify the pain and the suffering?
Is it OK to die... The God-damned pain just wont go, the ache near the heart just continues. Is suffering really optional (as they say)? Beats me..

LoSt FrIenDsHiPz....

Ever since iv stayed away frm home, the importance of friendships became more apparent to me... though due to a lot mny things i seldom have time to chat on the phone or hang out with my buddies dat frequently but Amidst all this, many a times, whenever I'm in the bus or driving or simply surfing, i think about the lost friendships that i have with some people..and the regret i have in letting go without even trying....v all make mistakes, don't we?? But sometimes where relationships are concerned ( friendships included) sometimes, it takes two to clap. I believe everyone at some point in time has lost somebody precious or simply regret the loss of a budding friendship.... Happy times spend together, laughing, eating heartily and even crying together are just flashes of memories and no longer reality.... I guess it's something we all really have to go through at some or the other point in our lives................!!! Sigh!!

Life

I have been going through this turmoil in my head.. An inexplicable turmoil!! Actually I don know if its about something serious or just a passing phase... Whatever it is, it got me started on this journey of introspection.... Its not very often that I introspect or anything.... This time, I'm completely lost, because I don't know what this search is all about i.e.. I don't know what it is that I'm looking for...phew!!.. that doesn't make too much sense even to me..!!

But then realization dawned.. There is something missing.. I'm not sure if there's something missing in me or something missing in my life. There is this feeling of being incomplete, like I'm missing something that is a fundamental requirement but yet to be acquired. Something that has the power to change my life...

I've never really been fond of birds or been able to relate to them... But now suddenly, I feel like this bird, who wants to soar high in the sky but is unable to do so, because in the middle of her flight she realizes, her wings don't work anymore!!

O K!!! That sounds really melo-dramatic !!

I guess I will figure things out (atleast hope to..) , but will take some time.. Till then, life will go on..

"Crap" thriving to be "the" crap...

adios amigo ..!!"

Questions---Being pushed and you dont like it ...!!!feeling alone and you cant fight it ..!!!!down but you cant get up ...!!!knowing that there is something wrong but cant rectify it because you don't know what the fuck is wrong with you ..!!!lacking the drive to do what you want to do ..??

Answers----stop being pushed around even if you can sense that people expect some sort of commitment from you cause in the end nothing is going to hurt more than saying the words that you dont want to say .. play the fool and just dont lament it cause that wee bit of embarrassment is much more acceptable than a month or two of tragedy ......!!!!you are not alone there is always someone there all that you have to do is put your muscles of neck to some work and woosh..!!you at least have a have a dozen people watching your back ..!!!of course your parents are included in that.. so open up confide in them you might think that they wont understand what you are going through and in worst case they wont but still they would be more than willing to help you out ..!!Tis a time when your head will bob up the murky waters that you are in ..look at it in this way if youve hit the rock bottom then there is no other way but not to go down any more ..once the things get worst then they can only get better ...!! I don't know the answers to other questions maybe I didnt even get the earlier ones right but atleast I tried youve gotta gimme that ..!!I know i dont hit the bulls eye every time but i never claimed to do so ..!!! so the rest is still unanswered or maybe i am too lazy to type ..gawd ..I need to find a direction soon.... !! :)

Desperation and Quiet...

There is this sense of desperation deep widin... I wonder who or wha I m n wha I want to be.. Its this sense of uneasiness within that is driving me up the wall :( .. Know how it feels when u leave everythin behind n thn find urself all lost again? I think, I do!!

Every cell of mine is revolting - kinda stopping me from making that leap.. I for one know, once I make that leap - I will grow and won’t remain what I have been.. I feel constricted (Dat feelin in ur throat that never lets u complete ur thoughtt or ur sentence).. Evrytime I’ve been challengd in my life n I’ve lost myself - I’ve hit back....It has been like making a point, but over a period of time, you tend to forget to whom the point was being made and that is how I have grown... I stand at another crossroad this time - not knowing where I will land if I start... May be the fear of starting pulls me back - the safety of the known!! I haven’t run in a looooooooong

time, just lazed and ambled around… I don’t know if I am going to start running again. But if I do, the next time I stop, I hope I have grown to be a better persn... The thing about running, I’ve always run for ppl -Lots of promises to keep and lots of people to take care of.....I hope I remain worthy of what I have received all my life... !!