"Crap" thriving to be "the" crap...

adios amigo ..!!"

Questions---Being pushed and you dont like it ...!!!feeling alone and you cant fight it ..!!!!down but you cant get up ...!!!knowing that there is something wrong but cant rectify it because you don't know what the fuck is wrong with you ..!!!lacking the drive to do what you want to do ..??

Answers----stop being pushed around even if you can sense that people expect some sort of commitment from you cause in the end nothing is going to hurt more than saying the words that you dont want to say .. play the fool and just dont lament it cause that wee bit of embarrassment is much more acceptable than a month or two of tragedy ......!!!!you are not alone there is always someone there all that you have to do is put your muscles of neck to some work and woosh..!!you at least have a have a dozen people watching your back ..!!!of course your parents are included in that.. so open up confide in them you might think that they wont understand what you are going through and in worst case they wont but still they would be more than willing to help you out ..!!Tis a time when your head will bob up the murky waters that you are in ..look at it in this way if youve hit the rock bottom then there is no other way but not to go down any more ..once the things get worst then they can only get better ...!! I don't know the answers to other questions maybe I didnt even get the earlier ones right but atleast I tried youve gotta gimme that ..!!I know i dont hit the bulls eye every time but i never claimed to do so ..!!! so the rest is still unanswered or maybe i am too lazy to type ..gawd ..I need to find a direction soon.... !! :)

Desperation and Quiet...

There is this sense of desperation deep widin... I wonder who or wha I m n wha I want to be.. Its this sense of uneasiness within that is driving me up the wall :( .. Know how it feels when u leave everythin behind n thn find urself all lost again? I think, I do!!

Every cell of mine is revolting - kinda stopping me from making that leap.. I for one know, once I make that leap - I will grow and won’t remain what I have been.. I feel constricted (Dat feelin in ur throat that never lets u complete ur thoughtt or ur sentence).. Evrytime I’ve been challengd in my life n I’ve lost myself - I’ve hit back....It has been like making a point, but over a period of time, you tend to forget to whom the point was being made and that is how I have grown... I stand at another crossroad this time - not knowing where I will land if I start... May be the fear of starting pulls me back - the safety of the known!! I haven’t run in a looooooooong

time, just lazed and ambled around… I don’t know if I am going to start running again. But if I do, the next time I stop, I hope I have grown to be a better persn... The thing about running, I’ve always run for ppl -Lots of promises to keep and lots of people to take care of.....I hope I remain worthy of what I have received all my life... !!

Questions....Love???

I intrinsically feel that I am entering dangerous waters when I am trying to write about love... Why? Because for me love is such a strong feeling that it shakes you totally... Wha can the pen write about something that not even the best can explain and yet everybody can feel? Any expression is bound to fail.... Whn V love somebody, we can not even express it fully with words, gestures..and to write about it.... How do you describe an emotion so rich?? Greed is love for objects... Romance (as in movies) is love for a person..... Nationalism is love for the country....So on!!

So may be I 'll just share what I feel and (don) understand abt it... First thing I have learnt is that feelings change. People change. Times change. Love stays... No matter what you do, it bloody stays! But where is the love I talk about? Is it in the different people I meet? Or is it in the different objects I covet? Is it in the past or will it come in the future? Is it about family? I really don't know. I just feel... But where is it?

Love is in me, I like to think sometimes... Not that I am “the light and the joy the world awaits“ but... Or is it just another lie the world has told me to use me?

OK forget it, Let's talk abt pragmatic love.. Wha about love for people? Is it abt possessin people or seein them happy??.. Wha do people mean by true love??? --- A hypothetical love free of passion, expectations, desire, possession...? If I say “if you love me, then I love you”, is it love, business or practicality?.....Is love even remotely possible? Does selfless/Unconditional love even exist..How many people would recognize love even when it stared them in the face?

For Me,my love is the freedom I seek..... N someday I will be free (may b not!)....N yes, my freedom is not about perfection, it is about love....!! :)

d days whn u feel loved n d days whn u feel lonely...

It’s one of those days when you want to speak to someone and when you want to be alone…

It’s one of those days when I know what I want to say..
It's one of those days when you want to say so much and when little comes out...

It’s one of those days when I realize how little I haveIt’s one of those days when I wonder whether who I am is, what I hoped to become...
It’s one of those days I don’t feel like writing a lot...and make things perfect…

It’s one of those days I want things to be the way they are- imperfect and not pretending that they aren’t...

It’s one of those day where you don’t know if you want to cry or laugh…
It’s one of those days when you don’t know why you have done or are doing certain things…

It’s one of those days when I realize that in doing what I felt was right for me, I have wronged so many....
It’s one of those days where you feel lonely in a crowd…
It’s one of those days when nothing but self peace matters…

It’s one of those days when my desires take over my wishes..

It’s one of those days when I look for appreciation in everyone's eyes..
It’s one of hose days when no words can describe love for someone…

It’s one of those days when silence seems better than words…

It’s one of those days when one thinks the self is only worth your love and at the same time it is not…

It’s one of those days when I want my past to take over my future…

It’s one of those days when I want to sit in dark and search for light…

It’s one of those days I realise that my true friend is just me as is my true enemy…

It’s one of those days when I am gloomy and blue….

It’s one of those days when I realise no matter how far we may be, you will always be there for me…

It’s indeed one of those days where the person you are is questioned and doubted…

It’s one of those days which I wished you never brought up as it is these one of "those " days that makes those days ahead one of these days again…

It’s one of those days for me……..

What do I want from a friend???

Do I need somebody to share my secrets? Like most people I have my problems and complexes. And like many people I prefer to keep them with me rather than sharing. That's so coz' many a times this sharing amounts to weakness. U never know how a person may use it against u. May be only in an argument...

Do I want you to love me? One cannot be sure of anybody's love if you are as paranoid as me (U reading SG?). What love? Don't get me wrong, I believe in truth and love and honor, esp. when it comes to friends and close relatives. But have we come that far?

Advice? As a good friend you can always advise me. If you are also intelligent and far-sighted ;)

I will give weight to your advice and even play along to see how it goes. But in the final analysis I will change only if I want to. I am what I am and I will be so.

Learning? I will learn if you want to teach and I will retain it if I like it

Are you my friend if I help you? I can help a stranger with as much dedication as I help a "friend". The help does not make anybody special in my world. It does not amount to the person using me or getting something out of me either as I do it of my own volition. Give to live.

All I really care about is “acceptance” and “reliability”….. And, God-damnit, will not change to earn it... Accept me as I am what I say. With all your deep understanding and stuff all I give a damn about is if u r on my side OR strong enough to tell me I am wrong and going to hell! Don break ma "trust"…….eva! This is all that takes to have me by ur side through thick and thin. And yes, always keep money and friendship separate: Both are important in lyf I hate losing either ;o)


And btw what do you want? :o)

LiFe oR MooD SWiNGs ...

Hey people !!! Welcome again to this place of useless thoughts and expressions…Time accrording to me is like a lil magician..It plays tricks on me, at one instant it makes me feel as though Im good enuf to face ane problem and not after a considerable duration of time will make me feel totally converse, vulnerable and weak unable to tackle even the most frivolous of issues…. It could well might be partly attributed to my habbits, I cant stick to something for an extended period of time, anyways moving on!!

I believe that there is a time in everyoneZ life when he (i am not gender biased or anything ,I t could very easily had been she as well) feels as though nothing is going right for him , every thing is falling apart ,every single idea seems only good enough to be flushed .Even Newton's law "EVERY ACTION HAS EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION" seems to fail as the repercussions of our actions are usually bad and hit us back many fold times…The faith that we have in GOD (If u do) and ourselves slowly seems to fade away in the thick shroud of darkness that engulfs us….The phase seems unending and more importantly very very unnerving as well .

But as we know that nothing is static.. "CHANGE" is inevitabl…however the change is subtle it doesn’t happen overnight or in a week …So if we are livin on the happy shores ----every thing goes according to the plan , no unpleasnt things pop up and the wheel of fortune spins to our tune ...Very happy indeed we think that this phaze will stay in forever and we will live our life as it is in the movies …..But i dont think so that this phaze will last ..after each crest there is a trough ..Life is not some linear representation of the varied moods that circulate in our heads …. Its like a see-saw i think ,so even when a patch of good luck comes along our way after an extended period of "not so good times " and vice versa .we musn't forget about what we have been though and prepare ourselves mentally for what we must face! No time is "good" or "bad" ..its all relative ,it all depends on your understanding of yourself , this might seem as something taken for granted but "do you actually know yourself ?,its not about what you want but who you are .? It fails to make any sense to me right now but i am sure that in course of time i will understand it !!

Frankly speaking i dont know whether the generalisation that I have made "every one has highs and lows " is applicable or not ,it was my point of view and you probably can have differences with my stream of thinking, if yes, then kindly let me know ..!!.

Stuck in Reverse................

Wassup fellas,

Mighty change has again permuted my life in an unchanged manner.... I have been trying find my home away from home and also to make some dough alongside (damn )...!!! I am doing somethin that I never wanted to do in the whole phuckin work , its really strange that I am not quite disliking the course of it (tho i might howl the other way, self proclaimingly I am a head strong nerd, strictly averse to change and especially work but i guess it is just that these days,some thing has gotten into me-I don knw of it ane better than u do!!)

I finally, have time for myself as a replacement for the time i use to murder to introspect and look back at things in the cynical/realistic manner that I have done in the past, guess that takes energy and Im gonna prevent myself of running outta it and maybe I dont want to analyse anymore (who gives a fuck anyway,I don and believe me even u you shouldnt!)..

Things however have moved at a more rapid rate than i expected them to be, fortunately I have found some pretty coarse partime work herein, not many places to wander bout (Sigh! I miss wandering bout, whoa..whoa! That plus some old friends -one heck of a comnination ,aint it ?).... We all here try to enjoy life as much as we can...partly drinking (not evryone), gossipin, leg pullin and partly sharing our experiences which generally drifts to recalling the moms-and-brothers, others moms-and-brothers etc etc (its not an awefully bad way to spend time either) and hell when it comes to Boys (n NV) everyone else has an input in the discussion ,and that makes it very fuckin interesting, listening and not letting the herd hear my very own silence...enuff..

Its about time that i should revert back to a very powerful factor that guides our life, yupp guessed it right, its about time for me to go about "TIME" .. If youve known me well, then you must know how much i love/hate it.... Here the thing is that there aint enough time for nothing, we just instictively react to it whatever we come across rather than effectively take steps at a more logical manner, this is really bothering me, though I never think and act but i always had the comfort that later i could think and come to a logical solution /reaction to the external problem, and later preach it (I too want to sound intelligent just like everyone else ..nothing wrong about that*wink*).. But jokes apart the thing tht I miss cming over to this new place is not my family or my friends but Time, I miss it cause if i had the luxury of thinking in the utterly" slow" manner that i generally do, I would have realised that i am missing them ..... Oops! I am starting to miss em.... missing my family(esp ma, pa n dadu) n my spcl ganga friends(those f who undrstan me by jus lukin in2 my eyes!).... Sigh! again time prohibits me from going on.... damn it!!(Promise, Im writin with dry eyes!) ..

But i promise that i will come back and share some more of my experiences... until thn b gud!!