I am Alone with my Lonliness.....

Yesterday everything was just going on too well for me. Yet I could feel that something was amiss.......something which I could not figure out myself either. I wondered that since everything has been going on so well then why is that empty feeling surfacing again and again. I have noticed that even if all is going on so perfect around me and I even have my share of fun and frolic, still by the end of the day I feel gloomy. Why? What is it that I am missing so much. I have friends, work, family members, movies to watch, music to listen to... Anyways, not going off the track.......as I talked to this friend about his loneliness and encouraging him, I was myself feeling so discouraged deep within that I just could not control my tears afterwards..... I had to cry it out lest accumulating it inside. I have cocooned myself and radiate an aura of coldness so that no one sees what is going on within me. I am scared of anyone venturing inside and see the real me. Even my lonliness surprises me at times as if it is the only friend that I am left with.

But atleast it is there with me to comfort me as I slowly drift away in the stillness of the night and wait for the dreams to ride me high...............

Musings....

While I was a kid, my father used to make me learn how important it is to give respect to your elders and be polite with everyone you talk. All those habits that were inculcated in me in my childhood has carried through and so it would have in all of you. We learn so much from our parents and most of the time we are not even aware we have learned that from them. We tend to remember these words when everything is going fine, when everything is under control. But once things lose our control, all these values lose its importance. We fight like cats and dogs and abusing each other becomes a routine then. We don’t even realize what comes out of our mouth in anger and words spoken in anger can make us regret all our life.The greatest educational challenge for human race is how to unlearn the law of school which we acquired. It is back to basics time!!!

YAWN! life sucks, people suck, relationships suck,education sucks,world sucks,but i don't, world aint worth me, thats all !!

Is Suffering optional???

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. At least this is what they say. But how do I seperate the two is something I have wondered when I have been in pain. Is it being masochistic and simply wishing away the pain and suffering?
It is so easy to say things, to expect people to behave in a certain way. But when it comes to yourself, the implementation can be hard (to say the least!).
Is it OK to be weak sometimes? To get down on my kness and cry like a baby and ask "God, why?".. Is it OK if I cannot smile back at you and cannot be the "pillar of strength" you always see me as? Is it OK even if "men don't shed tears"? Is it human? Do I say that to justify the pain and the suffering?
Is it OK to die... The God-damned pain just wont go, the ache near the heart just continues. Is suffering really optional (as they say)? Beats me..

LoSt FrIenDsHiPz....

Ever since iv stayed away frm home, the importance of friendships became more apparent to me... though due to a lot mny things i seldom have time to chat on the phone or hang out with my buddies dat frequently but Amidst all this, many a times, whenever I'm in the bus or driving or simply surfing, i think about the lost friendships that i have with some people..and the regret i have in letting go without even trying....v all make mistakes, don't we?? But sometimes where relationships are concerned ( friendships included) sometimes, it takes two to clap. I believe everyone at some point in time has lost somebody precious or simply regret the loss of a budding friendship.... Happy times spend together, laughing, eating heartily and even crying together are just flashes of memories and no longer reality.... I guess it's something we all really have to go through at some or the other point in our lives................!!! Sigh!!

Life

I have been going through this turmoil in my head.. An inexplicable turmoil!! Actually I don know if its about something serious or just a passing phase... Whatever it is, it got me started on this journey of introspection.... Its not very often that I introspect or anything.... This time, I'm completely lost, because I don't know what this search is all about i.e.. I don't know what it is that I'm looking for...phew!!.. that doesn't make too much sense even to me..!!

But then realization dawned.. There is something missing.. I'm not sure if there's something missing in me or something missing in my life. There is this feeling of being incomplete, like I'm missing something that is a fundamental requirement but yet to be acquired. Something that has the power to change my life...

I've never really been fond of birds or been able to relate to them... But now suddenly, I feel like this bird, who wants to soar high in the sky but is unable to do so, because in the middle of her flight she realizes, her wings don't work anymore!!

O K!!! That sounds really melo-dramatic !!

I guess I will figure things out (atleast hope to..) , but will take some time.. Till then, life will go on..

"Crap" thriving to be "the" crap...

adios amigo ..!!"

Questions---Being pushed and you dont like it ...!!!feeling alone and you cant fight it ..!!!!down but you cant get up ...!!!knowing that there is something wrong but cant rectify it because you don't know what the fuck is wrong with you ..!!!lacking the drive to do what you want to do ..??

Answers----stop being pushed around even if you can sense that people expect some sort of commitment from you cause in the end nothing is going to hurt more than saying the words that you dont want to say .. play the fool and just dont lament it cause that wee bit of embarrassment is much more acceptable than a month or two of tragedy ......!!!!you are not alone there is always someone there all that you have to do is put your muscles of neck to some work and woosh..!!you at least have a have a dozen people watching your back ..!!!of course your parents are included in that.. so open up confide in them you might think that they wont understand what you are going through and in worst case they wont but still they would be more than willing to help you out ..!!Tis a time when your head will bob up the murky waters that you are in ..look at it in this way if youve hit the rock bottom then there is no other way but not to go down any more ..once the things get worst then they can only get better ...!! I don't know the answers to other questions maybe I didnt even get the earlier ones right but atleast I tried youve gotta gimme that ..!!I know i dont hit the bulls eye every time but i never claimed to do so ..!!! so the rest is still unanswered or maybe i am too lazy to type ..gawd ..I need to find a direction soon.... !! :)

Desperation and Quiet...

There is this sense of desperation deep widin... I wonder who or wha I m n wha I want to be.. Its this sense of uneasiness within that is driving me up the wall :( .. Know how it feels when u leave everythin behind n thn find urself all lost again? I think, I do!!

Every cell of mine is revolting - kinda stopping me from making that leap.. I for one know, once I make that leap - I will grow and won’t remain what I have been.. I feel constricted (Dat feelin in ur throat that never lets u complete ur thoughtt or ur sentence).. Evrytime I’ve been challengd in my life n I’ve lost myself - I’ve hit back....It has been like making a point, but over a period of time, you tend to forget to whom the point was being made and that is how I have grown... I stand at another crossroad this time - not knowing where I will land if I start... May be the fear of starting pulls me back - the safety of the known!! I haven’t run in a looooooooong

time, just lazed and ambled around… I don’t know if I am going to start running again. But if I do, the next time I stop, I hope I have grown to be a better persn... The thing about running, I’ve always run for ppl -Lots of promises to keep and lots of people to take care of.....I hope I remain worthy of what I have received all my life... !!

Questions....Love???

I intrinsically feel that I am entering dangerous waters when I am trying to write about love... Why? Because for me love is such a strong feeling that it shakes you totally... Wha can the pen write about something that not even the best can explain and yet everybody can feel? Any expression is bound to fail.... Whn V love somebody, we can not even express it fully with words, gestures..and to write about it.... How do you describe an emotion so rich?? Greed is love for objects... Romance (as in movies) is love for a person..... Nationalism is love for the country....So on!!

So may be I 'll just share what I feel and (don) understand abt it... First thing I have learnt is that feelings change. People change. Times change. Love stays... No matter what you do, it bloody stays! But where is the love I talk about? Is it in the different people I meet? Or is it in the different objects I covet? Is it in the past or will it come in the future? Is it about family? I really don't know. I just feel... But where is it?

Love is in me, I like to think sometimes... Not that I am “the light and the joy the world awaits“ but... Or is it just another lie the world has told me to use me?

OK forget it, Let's talk abt pragmatic love.. Wha about love for people? Is it abt possessin people or seein them happy??.. Wha do people mean by true love??? --- A hypothetical love free of passion, expectations, desire, possession...? If I say “if you love me, then I love you”, is it love, business or practicality?.....Is love even remotely possible? Does selfless/Unconditional love even exist..How many people would recognize love even when it stared them in the face?

For Me,my love is the freedom I seek..... N someday I will be free (may b not!)....N yes, my freedom is not about perfection, it is about love....!! :)

d days whn u feel loved n d days whn u feel lonely...

It’s one of those days when you want to speak to someone and when you want to be alone…

It’s one of those days when I know what I want to say..
It's one of those days when you want to say so much and when little comes out...

It’s one of those days when I realize how little I haveIt’s one of those days when I wonder whether who I am is, what I hoped to become...
It’s one of those days I don’t feel like writing a lot...and make things perfect…

It’s one of those days I want things to be the way they are- imperfect and not pretending that they aren’t...

It’s one of those day where you don’t know if you want to cry or laugh…
It’s one of those days when you don’t know why you have done or are doing certain things…

It’s one of those days when I realize that in doing what I felt was right for me, I have wronged so many....
It’s one of those days where you feel lonely in a crowd…
It’s one of those days when nothing but self peace matters…

It’s one of those days when my desires take over my wishes..

It’s one of those days when I look for appreciation in everyone's eyes..
It’s one of hose days when no words can describe love for someone…

It’s one of those days when silence seems better than words…

It’s one of those days when one thinks the self is only worth your love and at the same time it is not…

It’s one of those days when I want my past to take over my future…

It’s one of those days when I want to sit in dark and search for light…

It’s one of those days I realise that my true friend is just me as is my true enemy…

It’s one of those days when I am gloomy and blue….

It’s one of those days when I realise no matter how far we may be, you will always be there for me…

It’s indeed one of those days where the person you are is questioned and doubted…

It’s one of those days which I wished you never brought up as it is these one of "those " days that makes those days ahead one of these days again…

It’s one of those days for me……..

What do I want from a friend???

Do I need somebody to share my secrets? Like most people I have my problems and complexes. And like many people I prefer to keep them with me rather than sharing. That's so coz' many a times this sharing amounts to weakness. U never know how a person may use it against u. May be only in an argument...

Do I want you to love me? One cannot be sure of anybody's love if you are as paranoid as me (U reading SG?). What love? Don't get me wrong, I believe in truth and love and honor, esp. when it comes to friends and close relatives. But have we come that far?

Advice? As a good friend you can always advise me. If you are also intelligent and far-sighted ;)

I will give weight to your advice and even play along to see how it goes. But in the final analysis I will change only if I want to. I am what I am and I will be so.

Learning? I will learn if you want to teach and I will retain it if I like it

Are you my friend if I help you? I can help a stranger with as much dedication as I help a "friend". The help does not make anybody special in my world. It does not amount to the person using me or getting something out of me either as I do it of my own volition. Give to live.

All I really care about is “acceptance” and “reliability”….. And, God-damnit, will not change to earn it... Accept me as I am what I say. With all your deep understanding and stuff all I give a damn about is if u r on my side OR strong enough to tell me I am wrong and going to hell! Don break ma "trust"…….eva! This is all that takes to have me by ur side through thick and thin. And yes, always keep money and friendship separate: Both are important in lyf I hate losing either ;o)


And btw what do you want? :o)

LiFe oR MooD SWiNGs ...

Hey people !!! Welcome again to this place of useless thoughts and expressions…Time accrording to me is like a lil magician..It plays tricks on me, at one instant it makes me feel as though Im good enuf to face ane problem and not after a considerable duration of time will make me feel totally converse, vulnerable and weak unable to tackle even the most frivolous of issues…. It could well might be partly attributed to my habbits, I cant stick to something for an extended period of time, anyways moving on!!

I believe that there is a time in everyoneZ life when he (i am not gender biased or anything ,I t could very easily had been she as well) feels as though nothing is going right for him , every thing is falling apart ,every single idea seems only good enough to be flushed .Even Newton's law "EVERY ACTION HAS EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION" seems to fail as the repercussions of our actions are usually bad and hit us back many fold times…The faith that we have in GOD (If u do) and ourselves slowly seems to fade away in the thick shroud of darkness that engulfs us….The phase seems unending and more importantly very very unnerving as well .

But as we know that nothing is static.. "CHANGE" is inevitabl…however the change is subtle it doesn’t happen overnight or in a week …So if we are livin on the happy shores ----every thing goes according to the plan , no unpleasnt things pop up and the wheel of fortune spins to our tune ...Very happy indeed we think that this phaze will stay in forever and we will live our life as it is in the movies …..But i dont think so that this phaze will last ..after each crest there is a trough ..Life is not some linear representation of the varied moods that circulate in our heads …. Its like a see-saw i think ,so even when a patch of good luck comes along our way after an extended period of "not so good times " and vice versa .we musn't forget about what we have been though and prepare ourselves mentally for what we must face! No time is "good" or "bad" ..its all relative ,it all depends on your understanding of yourself , this might seem as something taken for granted but "do you actually know yourself ?,its not about what you want but who you are .? It fails to make any sense to me right now but i am sure that in course of time i will understand it !!

Frankly speaking i dont know whether the generalisation that I have made "every one has highs and lows " is applicable or not ,it was my point of view and you probably can have differences with my stream of thinking, if yes, then kindly let me know ..!!.

Stuck in Reverse................

Wassup fellas,

Mighty change has again permuted my life in an unchanged manner.... I have been trying find my home away from home and also to make some dough alongside (damn )...!!! I am doing somethin that I never wanted to do in the whole phuckin work , its really strange that I am not quite disliking the course of it (tho i might howl the other way, self proclaimingly I am a head strong nerd, strictly averse to change and especially work but i guess it is just that these days,some thing has gotten into me-I don knw of it ane better than u do!!)

I finally, have time for myself as a replacement for the time i use to murder to introspect and look back at things in the cynical/realistic manner that I have done in the past, guess that takes energy and Im gonna prevent myself of running outta it and maybe I dont want to analyse anymore (who gives a fuck anyway,I don and believe me even u you shouldnt!)..

Things however have moved at a more rapid rate than i expected them to be, fortunately I have found some pretty coarse partime work herein, not many places to wander bout (Sigh! I miss wandering bout, whoa..whoa! That plus some old friends -one heck of a comnination ,aint it ?).... We all here try to enjoy life as much as we can...partly drinking (not evryone), gossipin, leg pullin and partly sharing our experiences which generally drifts to recalling the moms-and-brothers, others moms-and-brothers etc etc (its not an awefully bad way to spend time either) and hell when it comes to Boys (n NV) everyone else has an input in the discussion ,and that makes it very fuckin interesting, listening and not letting the herd hear my very own silence...enuff..

Its about time that i should revert back to a very powerful factor that guides our life, yupp guessed it right, its about time for me to go about "TIME" .. If youve known me well, then you must know how much i love/hate it.... Here the thing is that there aint enough time for nothing, we just instictively react to it whatever we come across rather than effectively take steps at a more logical manner, this is really bothering me, though I never think and act but i always had the comfort that later i could think and come to a logical solution /reaction to the external problem, and later preach it (I too want to sound intelligent just like everyone else ..nothing wrong about that*wink*).. But jokes apart the thing tht I miss cming over to this new place is not my family or my friends but Time, I miss it cause if i had the luxury of thinking in the utterly" slow" manner that i generally do, I would have realised that i am missing them ..... Oops! I am starting to miss em.... missing my family(esp ma, pa n dadu) n my spcl ganga friends(those f who undrstan me by jus lukin in2 my eyes!).... Sigh! again time prohibits me from going on.... damn it!!(Promise, Im writin with dry eyes!) ..

But i promise that i will come back and share some more of my experiences... until thn b gud!!

Me, Me, Me!

Welcome to my blog :o) I am Anky lost somewhere in the US of A;the quest to find myself is an ongoing and never ending process!!

Defining Myself:

Like many ppl I too believe that introspection is very important. But it is not easy to see urself objectively because more or less we are biased towards ourselves. Here I am trying to see myself, rather some aspects of myself, that may be useful for improvement/clarification and give them a reason or a definition.

I write when I am feeling very clear or very unclear(always the extremes)... My escapism is my best defence against hurt of any kind.
When I do something it is for a reason which can range from satisfaction, achievement to pure passion.
I believe everybody thinks the way they do because their perception is biased. My reasons to go on with life are a mix of duty and curiosity (they say curiosity killed the cat)..

I resent control even if it is good. I can be with you forever because you care. I can leave u right now if that's what it takes to live in peace.

Work/Study finds place in life if I enjoy it or if there is no choice...
.

For me the reason to live is life. At any time I don't regret what I do and maybe not really enjoy it either..

When In downswing I really waste time and get destructive but I don't care as long as I am the only one in the mess...When I am feelin up, I am not too boring a company to be with(Watch out!)

I am moody, frank, eccentric, methodical, individualistic, erratic, analyzed, creative, fair, passionate, ambitious, intense, understanding, verbal, sensitive, naive, impatient, inquisitive, open and logical.
I am honest as long as it doesn't really hurt anyone including me.

I have a poor EQ which is compensated by not so poor IQ.

My hobbies are troubling people, thinking and music.

Three things that can grab my complete attention at any time are good food n drinks, a gud article and/or book, and cute guys (not neccessarily in that order.).

The most important things in my life are being fair, self-respect, a good career, family, money and love.

My biggest enemy and friend is my hyperactive brain which thinks a lot.

I don't read like I used to..

My weaknesses are cute guys, good food, success, power, love to mention a few...
My biggest fear is falling in luv someday or getting married..

My worst nightmare is waking and finding myself on an island all alone..
My biggest tragedy is not being understood.

I think Murphy's laws work.
I want to be able to fly and I feel I will live forever.

I think a lot. When I am in upswing, it shows as focussed intelligent work and philosophical pondering. In downswing it becomes destrucive attitudes, sullen moods and laziness.


I accept myself and people as they are as long it doesn't disturb my peace of mind bigtime.
I think purpose of every activity is happiness.

I feel money is by luck but knowledge is by hard work. Hard work without a clear aim is stupidity.


And I can blog indefinitely!

Random Thots-->PsHyCotIc MiNd!!

It's 1:00 am in the night and I can't sleep.. My eyes are burning and I have a headache- yet I can't sleep....I miss India - the food, my friends.....everything!

I have been wanting to start writing regulary again....It has been quite sometime I hav given up writing my diary and/or blog...actually, I never found time(Those who knw me, knw that time n money r two things I alwas hafta run after*giggle*)!Something is definitely wrong with me - I never had so much trouble with time-management before----> registration for classes, orientation, seminars, bank account frmalities, huntin for an apartment, part time job etc etc----its never ending!

Its real fun but then life is so very different here:

My old friends n family are no longer with me....
Dead-lines (for everythin) eat away most of my time...
Daily tasks n challenges occupy the remaining time....
Irritation of nerves is a frequent occurance....

I still don't seem to be completely getting along with the life here.....Life in India used to be such a piece of cake!Like they say, “The grass is always greener on the other side”.....!
Now, looking back on the good old days, I keep reminiscing about the good times, ignoring the bad.... I try not to focus on how things would be had I remained in India and instead, think about what I have today - a few good friends (who've remained in touch despite the distance) who are always on my side, and many new ones - some close, some not so much...

I think, to an extent, even I have changed - perhaps for the better! I am no longer completely happy-go-lucky - I do my own work, instead of relying on someone else to do it for me... I do not make friends very easily, any more... I am still as talkative as I was, but there are times when I stay totally aloof! These days, I love my own company the most and am no more a people's person I used to be(tho I cant get rid away of my intrinsic traits easily--->the vast resevoir of undiluted gibberish I hav up there needs to come out once every while*wink*)....!

I guess my life in USA is going to be one roller-coaster ride, with many ups and downs and I have now fastened my seat-belt and am ready to enjoy the ride!

Survival In US of A

This is- Survival in the face of gettin up early morning.... No lunch. Dizzy at the end of the day. Go home to half cooked food, swimming in oil, no salt, no spices. Coke Coke, burgers (pork, hashbrown, beef, chicken) and pringles.....Too many kannada n telgu speaking people around(Lack of ability to learn tongues)...… antipleasure… antilife…goofin up evry now n then… bumbling me… insecure… cornered… silence… solace… music music and fits of euphoria, sadness, anger… real emotions generated artificially... nostalgia.. long distance calls… reliving old memories… rereliving…
Homesickness hittin right in the face but still exploring enjoying n discoverin a lot of new things....n that keeps the adreline running !

**draped in confusion, apprehensive about the future, ruminating over the past,living the present with ephemeral moments of happiness**

And yes I am now the proud owner of an iPhone… God bless Apple!!!

Wud keep updating folks.....until then take care people!

Life is (very unlike me statement)…. ...well.....Beautiful!!

This has been a wonderful wierd and at times painful ride.... I am of course talking about my initial days in syracuse... I have seen and done so much it seems like a lifetime... Hard to believe its jus been a week.... But such is the way of time … it flies by!! I miss home (and I don nly mean mommy and daddy home, I of course also mean my Friends!). I miss pandu n her no nonsense attitude.... I miss the anxious moments before the start of a presentation in college… I miss the royal screwups … I miss seema’s rants about how bad we were.... I miss those late night chats n talks.... I miss not going to lectures. ....I miss the wierd food sessions with Pappu n Momo. I miss Lil chik'n aka NM getting pissed off at little things.... I miss the death defying afternoons with Alpana..... I miss Prajktaz lets conquer the world attitude.... I misssh office...the stairs n the chai wala....our silly jokes.. n endless cribbin bot Xansa n its policies.....I mishhh varun gettin irritated..I missshhh roshiniz stories.....I misssshh shilpa n her jerkin shoulders.....I misss Ashiwiniz Pjz.....I miss our late nyte conference calls...I miss Sumit getting loled...... I miss Anupama’s wierdness.....I mish our bein thr for ech othr evrytim.....I missh evryone... I miss the feeling of feeling young.....I miss everything and so much more.....As for Syracuse its nice… but its not home!!